Incommunicado

Having taken Denise to the airport this morning at 4am, I am rather tired. This may seem like a bit of overkill, since she could easily have got a taxi, but I always vowed that when I had a car I would actually be useful to people, having experienced lots of people at Uni (with some exceptions of course) who used their cars like a bargaining chip. Hence it is only half an hour out of my sleep to get up and take her to the airport, and seeing as I shall not see her for three weeks, this seems like a minor inconvenience.

Anyway, I am now alone for Christmas. Although at first I dreaded this, I am now beginning to see it as rather a good thing. I need to get my head sorted out a bit, and some time without communication or interaction with people will probably be helpful. Certainly mildly depressing, but probably good for me. Though I may miss talking to my friends, I could probably do with some time to myself, and at least if I have anything important to say to them I will have the time to compose an e-mail, rather than just getting on messenger and having inane conversations which get me in trouble. This may be the same for other people as well. I shall still blog of course, as there is always a need to talk about stuff to someone who won't talk back.

Christmas gets more pointless for me every year anyway, as we can never think of things to get each other and we seem to have less money to do so. This year the lack of even a tree perhaps means that I should get over the pretending to be joyous thing and in fact just treat it as some time to reflect. And though I am not religious and have never been to church, this year I have resolved to go to midnight mass, because in the middle of being alone here I can be together with people, whilst remaining just one in the crowd. I feel the need to go and see what Christmas is meant to be about, rather than just sitting at home and enjoying presents, as if that were all that the holiday was meant for.

This all probably sounds like ramble, but I am tired and emotional, and wish my life would sort itself out properly. People keep telling me to get out and meet more friends - it's not that I'm not trying, I'm just in that state of mind where you would be useless to most of the people you meet anyway. Limbo. Lots of issues unresolved; hopefully some will be resolved by me over the Christmas period, and some by the words and deeds of other people.

So, to all the people going home for the holidays and henceforth uncontactable, have a good holiday. Let's hope the New Year brings resolutions of every kind. Much love xx