The Inevitable

I can't take my eyes off you
Nothing ever needs to be said
Send your message right into my head
You fill me up when I'm alone
So soothing is your monotone
Melanie Doane - I can't take my eyes off you

And so it happens. For the first day since I have been here (it's only 5 days, but it feels like a lifetime), I cry. This is due in part to talking with friends in England, to the weather here which won't cease being crap, and to the song that I have been listening to on repeat for most of the afternoon (always a bad idea, but you get stuck in a groove). It's a song that my friend played at her wedding, which until earlier I hadn't had the chance to download. Strange how you don't hear things for a while, but then immediately on hearing them again, you get a visual re-run of how things were when you listened to them for the first time. In this case, watching my friend Alison and her new husband slowly moving together on the dance floor, taking the first dance and looking blissfully happy and peaceful together, and me standing watching them, wishing I could find the same sort of security that they had. Which I have never been, and am still not, confident of acheiving. It's not just that I have never really considered marriage as a logical ending to my relationships, it's also that I have never seen anyone show signs of thinking about settling down with me. I have two sorts of relationships; those where I fall for the person in question and they consider me a friend, mainly to be taken advantage of, and those where the other person falls for me, and I am empty.

I can't see the ending to this story. Answers on a postcard please.

For those of you who think that this has all become rather sombre, a note of ridiculousness; the song in question is wonderful. It's also about the tv. Which, had I known this at the wedding (and perhaps, had Alison known it too), would probably have taken away some of its significance.