Four weddings and a birthday

With two days to go until my birthday, the first celebratory e-mail came to me today - from a guy I had once hoped to date. It also heralded an unexpected announcement; in the one and a half years since we last saw each other, he has bought a house, found a girl, and is about to get married on July 30th this year. The guy moves fast! How come he couldn't move fast when I liked him?! Hmmph. Not that it would ever have worked anyway, since his cuteness only barely overcame his lack of drive to actually do much. But at the time, I was fairly annoyed at his inability to recognise an opportunity when one came along. Strange, the paths that lead us places, and the seemingly innocuous acts that direct people to different fates.

Anyway, the notification of yet another impending wedding sent me into temporary shock, with more than a bit of "What on earth am I doing wrong here?" Four good friends my age are getting married in April, May, July and another July so far this year. Last year there were three such weddings. All but two of the above were fairly unexpected in terms of announcements, and the people in question had only been seeing each other for an average of about a year and a bit before popping the question. (That reminds me, there is also one future marriage that is currently unscheduled). It's official, I have hit the time of my life where everyone is getting married apart from me. The fact that it coincides with my 26th birthday and Valentines Day just makes it hit home that little bit harder.

This doesn't bother me in terms of wishing that I was in any of these people's shoes, and I'm not jealous that people I have fancied are now happy with other people. I don't really consider marriage as something that I am desperate to accomplish, since I would be quite happy to just have a long-term partner. I think that is where my dissatisfaction lies. So many of my friends, even those who at one time were totally emotionally screwed or never seemed likely to settle down, have suddenly found people they want to spend the rest of their life with. Not for them the rejection and the broken heart that comes with just another relationship - this is where they stop searching and finally settle. That kind of security is what I long for. I don't have to have marriage to acheive it, I just need to find someone who is in love with me and wants to build a future together. Seeing everyone else doing it makes you wonder where you are going wrong....

And yet I have other friends, perhaps friends who I would consider more dear to me than those who are happily planning wedding dresses, who are definitely not contemplating marriage. I am by no means alone in my 'Miss' status. However, how many of these people are single? Perhaps two or three. Again, the question comes - why so? I confess myself beaten and unable to answer this one. It's not for lack of trying, believe me. Do I try too hard? Do I always go for the 'wrong man' (usually the ones still in love with past girlfriends - I have a 4/4 batting average with this one. That can't be coincidence). This is all said with detachedness, since I am not really that upset about this, just curious about how life works. After all, someone has to be the old spinster and cat lady! I am doomed from the start anyway, since as my friends will know, I am the most unmotherly person ever, and do not want to have kids. Try finding a guy to get married to who doesn't want kids at some point in their life. Talk about narrowing your choices down to the bare minimum!!

Dan and I agreed the other day that we had got to the stage in life where we didn't want to have a relationship with someone if we couldn't see ourselves settling down with them. I can see that there are arguments for and against this point of view. It may be the case that until you go out with someone for any length of time, you can't tell if you want to settle down with them or not. In that case, it would make sense for you to try the relationship. But I myself feel that I have passed my days of going out with someone just because I am fairly attracted to them. If someone asks you jokingly one day, "So when are you two getting married then?" and you recoil from the idea in horror, what are you doing? Other opportunities may pass you by while you settle for the convenience of having someone to share a bed with and be attached to. I don't want to be in the position where I know for sure that there is no future in my relationship, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it. So it kind of sucks to be single, but I cling to the hope that the person for me is just waiting quietly in the wings, ready to sweep me off my feet and send unexpected wedding announcements out to people in the next year or so. Now, what colour shall we have the flowers.........