Ugly/Beautiful

Maybe it scares you and maybe it makes you cry
Maybe it reminds you of all that you deny
To see the good
You never would
Without the ugly there is no beautiful.

I realised a number of things today. Firstly, the time difference here really sucks. It means that I am hearing about people's days when they are over and mine is barely beginning. I have time to talk, and everyone else has none. Frankly, they've got better things to do. And even if they do tell me what they've done with their day, I am invariably jealous. So I can't be great to talk to. I have also realised that at times when I really need to speak to a friendly face, msn messenger will invariably screw me over and refuse to send my messages.

In addition I feel like I am becoming peripheral. I tend to try and cling on to contact with the people I've left behind, which means that every communication from them carries some great significance. Whereas to them, getting an e-mail from me.... is just getting another e-mail. One of the many e-mails they get from friends they see all the time. Does this make any sense? I feel myself fading out of the minds and lives of many.

I sat at my computer today, doing work that I did in England, for the same company, staring out of the window at a garden fence that could have been anywhere in the world, wondering what had changed. Sure, I'm in another country, where life is supposedly better. But I have the same lack of a proper job, the same insecurities, the same money worries and the same responsibilities. I have left friends and family, and I've left things that I would willingly come back to England for if only my pride would let me. No-one said this was going to be easy. But surely it shouldn't be this hard?

I'm sure if I was more self-confident and less of an emotional wreck I could be revelling in this new found freedom. Instead I scour around for the slightest indication that someone out there is thinking about me. And check the cost of flights home.