The crying game

So when Greg left to go to mass and told me, "Feel free to amuse yourself while I'm gone" I don't think he had it in mind that I would curl up on the bed and have a good sob. Actually it hasn't been a good sob, since I'm too wound up to actually cry properly, so actually it just hurts. But the thought was there.

I am not even sure why I am upset, since I have had a good few days being back here in Manchester. I think I am just pissed off that being back has made me so uncertain of what the future holds for me. Being back in England feels good, and suddenly I want to stay. I know that I can't really do this until about September though, because my parents are coming over to Canada in July, and a friend is coming in September, and I am meant to be in Vancouver to see them. But then if I come back here at the end of September, what will I do? I will still have the same job problems, though I suppose they will be tempered by the facts that I know how the English systems work, I will have my parents for support, and I will be able to see my friends. However, my friends will all be separating around September time, finishing off PhDs and degrees, and finding their own niches. How can I guarantee that if I come back, I will actually see them any more than I do in Canada? Would they actually prefer it if I stayed in Vancouver, so that there is potential for good holidays?! Obviously it is easier to travel round England to see people than it is to get expensive flights in and out of Canada. But am I gambling too much on the fact that they will want me closer to their lives just because I want them in mine?

Some of my friends know where they are going, some have no idea. I was always one of the people who had a definite plan, and now that I don't have one, or it's blown up in my face, it scares the crap out of me. I want so many things, in all areas of life, and I have absolutely no way of coming close to getting any of them. One of the worst things in the world is when you try your hardest to get something, and you give everything you have, but it's still not enough. Even worse is when you know you would be good for something, you know you could help, and you need someone to take a chance on you just so you can show them you're the best person for the job. But they never give you that chance. And so I find myself stuck in limbo, wishing somebody or something would just make a few decisions for me. I have a lot more in my head but some of it's too personal for publishing. So I am going to return to blessed sleep, since for a moment you can forget things like these ever existed....