A Christmas wish

I have just got back from a church service; the first one I have ever voluntarily been to, and the only one that I actually appreciated. Although it was strange hearing solumn words in a Canadian accent. Plus I had to sing the American version of O Little Town of Bethlehem, which has a strange tune. However, the service was extremely good, and the presence of a woman translating the readings into sign language was good to see. The minister was a very good speaker, the choir was amazing (I really really miss singing), the atmosphere was peaceful, and at one point I felt like crying. And all this from someone who is agnostic. I guess we all have to grow up sometime, and realise that our little world is not always the be all and end all of life. Christmas alone makes you think about stuff more.

When I was 18, about this time 7 years ago, I had my palm read by the partner of one of my work colleagues. Amongst other things, some of them true and some of them debatable, he predicted that I would fall in love at 25. At the time, I thought this was unlikely, for the simple reason that I was already in love. I sat across the table from the guy reading my palm, looking at the man I was in love with, and thinking, "If only he knew....." And yet, there was no way that that relationship was ever going to work out, because he had too much to lose through being with me.

So, over the years, I looked upon being 25 as the magic number - if nothing had sorted itself out in my life by that point, I was off to Canada. I didn't believe the palm reader as such, but it was a comforting thought every year - if I hadn't found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with that year, it didn't matter; there was always 25....

The best year I spent at University was 2003-4, when I was in Bradford. This wasn't because I had the best friends, or the best experiences, or lived in the best house, it was because for the whole year I was there, I didn't worry about guys. I didn't have a boyfriend in Bradford, I didn't fancy anyone there enough to be bothered about them, and none of the guys fancied me. And it was bliss. I stayed out of all my friends' traumas with men, all the drunken nights and sober mornings, all the arguments and emotions, and it was great. But at the same time, every now and then, there was a feeling of something missing.

So now that I am nearly 26, and there seems little chance of my confirming 25 as the year I found 'the one', what do I want from life? Well, I want to say goodbye to the relationships where I was 'the other woman' but never the girlfriend, and the ones where the bad times outweighed the good but I persisted because the good times were so damn good. I want to be with someone who wakes up in the morning and is happy because I'm there, rather than pissed off because they don't have enough bed space or duvet. I want to be with someone who is happy to spend a day doing bugger all because they enjoy my company. I want to be with someone who makes me laugh, and who laughs at me. I want to be happy to lose sleep and watch someone else while they sleep, as I have done in the past. I want to be the person who is missed when they're not there, rather than the person who is forgotten about until they come round again. I want to be independent, while knowing that I have the security of someone being there for me when I need them, and vice versa. I don't want to be 'second best' or 'there at the time', and have someone go out with me because they're bored and they have nothing better to do. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when I haven't spoken to someone in a couple of days and I see them again.

Oh, and ideally, I want all of this before I turn 26! Hmm, unlikely.....seeing as that is less than two months away! However, is it coincidence that Denise wanted to fly to England on the day before my birthday? Will fate allow me to meet some fantastic guy on the plane, or to be met at the airport by someone who wants to sweep me off my feet? [I'll post my flight times on here just in case they're reading ;o)] All I can say is that my New Year's resolution is to not allow 25 to be the last year of my love life..... let's hope it's a resolution I can keep!