On love and Stanley Park

It is getting colder here. Next weekend promises to be -7, and although I am sceptical of the weather network's ability to predict anything beyond the next three days, the weekend after that will allegedly be -20. I think I might freeze. This is the time you need a boyfriend/hot water bottle.

After going to bed at 4am, and getting up today at midday, I dropped a guidebook off at the flat my cousin was staying in, and then made my way to Stanley Park. There is an unwritten rule that my parents and I go for a walk every New Year's day, usually in the grounds of Blenheim Palace near our house. And this year I felt that even though I was many thousands of miles away, I should continue the tradition.

The park was full of people, although because of its size it didn't feel crowded in the least. I parked the car by the Christmas lights and set off around the seawall, following the shoreline and taking in the views. It is always extremely relaxing to walk around the park, because there is little noise apart from the waves crashing against the wall and the beaches, and today was no exception. The only thing missing was someone to share the experience with. Not necessarily a lover, although obviously that would have been nice, but just my parents, or a friend. There are some places that you find so amazing you want to share them with someone else, and make them love the place as much as you yourself do. If any of my friends visit me this year, as some of them hope to do, then I intend to take them round the park, so that they can experience it for themselves.

So after walking around the north side of the seawall, and thinking the views can't get any better, I round the NW point, and suddenly a vista opens up of West Vancouver, the mountains in the distance, and the sea stretching ahead. Fantastic. At this moment a massive tanker comes past, and everyone stops to stare at the view and the ship. And a guy on the deck of the ship pauses, then waves to me with a cute smile, picking me out from the crowd. So I wave back. Happy New Year.....

A slight, but as you will see related, digression: those of you who have not yet perused my fellow bloggers on the right of my page, I urge you to visit the page of the marvellous nmrboy.


As well as being a very good writer in general, he is an eloquent and thought-provoking blogger. With more than a little of the random included in his posts, just to keep things interesting. A recent post on the statistics of and chemistry-type explanations for love should give rise to some discussion.

In fact, whilst I was walking round the park today, a thought came to me regarding long-distance relationships (ok, so not directly on the subject of love, but it did link in there via certain of my 'exes'). Many people have told me that "long distance relationships never work" - and yet a friend of mine who I was lucky enough to be able to pair up with another friend, and who then immediately left the country, is due to be married to said second friend this year. Their relationship became stronger after she left, as they realised how much they had and how much they could lose if they didn't work at sorting something out. Another of my friends has recently got back from America where she spent a month with her boyfriend of a year, and misses him more by the day. And so, I don't think that we can generalise and say that long distance relationships never work. They just have to survive more strain and stress, and you have to trust each other implicitly.

This is relevant because when I started to entertain the idea of moving to Canada, a couple of years ago, I also started to hope that someone in particular would come with me. I was not secure enough in this relationship to directly ask for their participation in the move, but I commented that if a job came up in the same place, if he fancied a change, if he was willing to take a chance in another country, yadda yadda blah blah. Personally, I don't think that there is much of a difference between being with someone for a couple of years in different countries and knowing that at a point in the future you will be together, and being with someone in the same country, apart from the obvious (and the increased stress, as mentioned). I was willing to do the long distance thing, but he was emphatically not.

I have always attributed this unwillingness to commit to the fact that he didn't like me enough to do so, and that it was just too much hassle to go through for someone he had no intention of being with for the rest of his life. But today, apropos of nothing, a thought; perhaps there were other reasons. On meeting up with this person at various points in my life after we have been apart for a while, it is like nothing has changed. We still have the same attraction to each other, we still enjoy each other's company, and without going into detail, things have happened. So how can it be that a relationship which has continued (in the sense of the feelings continuing) for years, no matter where in the world we both have been, cannot cope with the commitment of "going out" in different countries?

Firstly, I suspect that there is some fear involved in the reluctance to commit to a "relationship." And rightly so. If someone I loved was moving to another country, and asked me to continue having a relationship with them, this would imply (at my age, at least) that they thought we had a future together. Otherwise what would be the point of having the relationship, other than to fill in time and make yourself feel wanted? And so, you are immediately forced to consider whether you like the person enough to take such a big risk; essentially one of you is committing to a move which may be very alien to you. Now I might have felt that I was willing to make this commitment, but then I was doing the moving. So it's easy for me to make the call. Although I understand why this fear may have had an impact on our relationship, it pains me that it did, since it is never good to feel that someone cares for you, but that it's just not enough.

Secondly, and more worryingly, I realise that for this particular person (and doubtless many others) there was a sense that by committing to a relationship with me when I was not in the country, they would somehow be 'missing out' on something indefinable. I don't mean to imply anything here, but for some people there is a sense that you're narrowing down your options; having a girlfriend in the country is one thing, as you can get the satisfaction of physical and emotional ties whilst also having the security of a relationship. If someone 'better' comes along, the breakup may be messy, but you're not committing to anything necessarily; after all, they are in the country anyway, so why shouldn't you go out with them? However, having a relationship with someone in another country is a different matter. You have the commitment, but none of the physical rewards, and fewer emotional ones. You have committed to something in the future, but you may feel that the present lack of contact is not worth the eventual prize. And if another potential partner comes along in the country where you live, what should you do? How can you compare them to someone who is not there, and if you feel that they are 'better' than the absent partner, how do you proceed? If you are not 100% committed, then having a long-distance relationship is the scarier option.

And although I would happily fly round the world and settle somewhere alien for the person I loved, I guess there is more to think about than I assumed at the time, in my anger at the seeming lack of commitment shown to me in the past. Perhaps I am more of a risk taker than he was. But when I weigh the security of knowing that someone loves you, even across the other side of the world, with the feeling that you've passed up an opportunity that might have led to the rest of your life, I feel there is no contest. And I'm willing to back that assertion up with plane tickets! Not necessarily with the guy from my past, but in the future, with someone who wants to take a chance on me. Hopefully one of the 850 left for me to choose from. And who knows, maybe I've even met them already, and just don't know it yet :o)